I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
