Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Someone shit on the floor
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
