Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
