I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is an emotional support booty call
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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