Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
