I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
