Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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