I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
