Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
