Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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