it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
