He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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