mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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