Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
