he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
3pm strippers are depressing
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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