I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
