You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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