I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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