I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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