And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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