I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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