Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
