Hey man sorry I got all grabby
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
