theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
