So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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