The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
