I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
