Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
