3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
