Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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