This dress was meant to end up on your floor
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
