whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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