haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
