when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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