i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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