I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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