what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
