He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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