Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
4 words: hood of his car
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
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I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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