if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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