i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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