If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
