i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
