Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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