I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
