Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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