I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
