It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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