Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
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She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
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That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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