the condom got lost in my hair
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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