how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
