i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I checked into jail on foursquare
The beer is more important than you right now.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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