this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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