9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
