I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
This house was built for laser tag.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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