He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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