Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
