wakey wakey hands off snakey
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
