Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
