am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
