I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
