i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
