i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
a search helicopter?!
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
