I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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