There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
