the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
