that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
